When Naked News Goes Off the Rails

(And Straight Into a Cornfield)

I normally don’t share news stories about naked men behaving badly in public. Most of the time, those stories reinforce exactly the stereotypes we spend years trying to undo. Public nudity and body freedom already get misunderstood enough without adding chaos to the mix.

But every once in a while a story comes along that’s so bizarre, so wildly off-script, that you just sit there blinking at the screen thinking, there is absolutely no way this is real.

This was one of those stories.

Earlier this week in Wisconsin Rapids, police responded to reports of a naked man doing push-ups in public while shouting at passersby. That alone would have been enough for a strange local headline, but things escalated quickly.

According to prosecutors, the man had allegedly drunk about half a bottle of Fabuloso floor cleaner earlier in the day. Soon afterward, EMS workers responding to a medical call heard the door of their ambulance slam shut and discovered a naked stranger sitting in the driver’s seat. Before they could stop him, he drove off, leaving them scrambling to safety while a patient remained inside the vehicle.

Yes. A stolen ambulance. With a patient in the back.

What followed was an 18-mile police chase reaching speeds over 90 miles per hour, with the ambulance swerving through traffic until officers deployed tire deflation devices that finally sent the vehicle sliding into a muddy cornfield, where it got stuck.

Police later reported no alcohol in his system, though the suspect admitted to possibly having marijuana earlier and confirmed drinking the cleaning product. He reportedly told officers he had no clear reason for his actions and said it was not an attempt to harm himself.

The man now faces multiple charges, including reckless endangerment, lewd behavior, and operating while intoxicated, along with a court-ordered competency evaluation.

Let’s be clear: this story isn’t funny because someone was naked. It’s bizarre because it reads like a rejected movie script written at 3 a.m. after too much caffeine and poor decision-making.

Still, if there’s a takeaway here, it’s this: nudity itself isn’t the problem. Chaos, substance misuse, and stolen emergency vehicles definitely are.

And maybe, just maybe, let’s all agree that floor cleaner is not part of a balanced diet.